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Too Tired to Give a F**k

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I was recently at an overnight camp with about 50 Grade Five students and I’ve realized some things just never ever change:

The girl drama is still rampant and the goss (that’ gossip for all you oldies that don’t know what it means) is still flying, big time. The dialogue is everything. And, I mean…like, everything.

“OMG…she said ______”.

“And then I was like ________”.

“So then I ________”.

“OMG can you believe that?”

As I sat there and listened to the drama I remembered feeling all those emotions. I thought to myself “Man, everything is just so BIG at that age”. Even the discussion about who took whose shoes and who knocked on whose doors…they’re big. Big problem. Big drama. So. Much. Energy.

I found myself rolling my eyes and thinking “Jesus, this is what they worry about?“.

Then, I checked myself. I was the same when I was their age. The little problems were BIG problems. That one sentence you said about so-and-so can determine how life will go for the next few weeks and if you screw it up…you may find yourself sitting alone at recess. It’s odd…but…it’s not abnormal. Don’t even get me started on the riveting game of Truth or Date.

I truly believe that it’s not only confidence and discovering who we are that aids in our ability to not give a flying fuck about what is said about us. I think we’re just tired.

“Omg…she said ______”...something I totally don’t give a fuck about.

“And then I was like_____”… okay…you go do you, I’ll be over here trying to figure out how to squeeze 25 hours into this day.

“So then I ______”…stopped at Tim Horton’s and picked up an XL coffee to help me through the day.

“OMG can you believe that?”…Yup, totally can and totally don’t care.

The dialogue changes when you’re older. The big things aren’t big and you let a lot more slide off your back.

People will constantly try to pull you down, put you down, make you feel shitty…and I’m just so very tired that I truly don’t have the energy to fight against them. I don’t want to and I don’t care. I don’t have the energy.

I need to conserve my energy for the shit that matters. The time spent worrying about the shit said about me is, well, a waste of my precious energy. So, I let it fly because I simply don’t have the energy to give to that kind of chatter any longer.

Go ahead and talk your talk and do your thang, Little Miss Gossip. Me? I’m just over here trying to raise kind humans, inspire a nation and lead by example….on a thread of the energy I used to have to worry about whether “OMG…she’s wearing the same shirt as I am!”

Sure, I’ve screwed up, made mistakes, etc…but I’m also too tired to give a fuck about anything that doesn’t help me move and grow as a human any longer. I have no time for the bullshit and want to only surround myself with people who bring the good energy back into my world. I’m too tired to give a fuck about the rest of it.

Truly. In my 41st year of life…I finally get it. And, I have complete and total fatigue to thank for it. Thank you bone-deep fatigue for truly allowing me to focus on the important stuff in my life and let the other shit go. It is quite liberating. For once, I truly see the benefit of getting older…and being tired.

You Can’t Spot Reduce – So Stop Asking

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If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been asked if you can spot reduce, I’d have…well…I’d have about $179. I did the math. I’m nerdy like that. On average, I get asked that question about three times per week. I have 23 years in the fitness industry, so that’s $179.40.

While I can’t get rich off that, many in my industry can. Not with the money, but with the claim to target certain areas and reduce fat.

Got a “baby pooch” you just can’t get rid of? Try this wrap.

Want those flappy arms that keep waving after you’ve stopped lean and strong? Try this pill.

Jiggly, cellulitey (I know that’s not a word, but work with me here) buns? Wear these pants with “butt scrunch technology”.

What the?

I swear to you…this industry thrives on making you feel shitty about yourself.

Let me be very clear – you CANNOT SPOT REDUCE.

Here’s what you can do:

#1 – You can do cardio to put you into a fat-burning zone where you burn calories from fat and…help improve your mental health.

#2 – You can do workouts that burn calories for a longer period of time (natural metabolism boosters) to reduce fat in your body and…help improve your mental health.

#3 – You can lift weights to ensure your muscles are strong and will help you get through the day with ease and…help improve your mental health.

#4 – You can drink water to help your body systems work well and…help improve your mental health.

#5 – You can eat a balanced diet with reduced sugar to help fuel your body throughout the day and…help improve your mental health.

#6 – You can get active every day and move your body to strengthen your muscles, your heart, your lungs…oh…and help improve your mental health.

#7 – You can get active with your friends and family and be an incredible role model. You can move your body to show them that taking care of your body is important and staying healthy (not “skinny”, not because your ass jiggles, but because YOUR BODY IS IMPORTANT) is critical to having a happy life. YES IT IS…you can have the best life going, but if your body feels like shit…YOU ARE GOING TO FEEL LIKE SHIT!

You see – no, you cannot spot reduce. But, if you get active, take care of yourself, honour your body, you’re going to see changes. How about you change the conversation about the areas you don’t like and concentrate on the strength and power you have within your body.

Nobody cares if you have jiggly anything. Truly. Just you. You think your kids judge you for having soft arms? They don’t, they love your hugs. You think your partner cares about cellulite on your butt? Nope, he or she is probably thrilled when they get you naked and they’re mind is so far away from the cellulite… they simply love that butt.

You have strength and power within you.

Right here. Right now. You have strength now. You may not feel like it and that’s okay. I’m here to tell you that you do. You may not be as strong or as fit as you’d like. And hey, that’s okay too.

But you do have control. You do have the capacity to move your body. And, while I will never ever claim that you can spot reduce. I will tell you that cardio, intervals and weights can help you in more ways than targeting your inner thighs could ever even touch.

Taking care of your body and moving it helps ward off illness. It helps you function better throughout the day and allows you to have more energy to spare at the end of the day when demands are high (if you have kids, anyways). It helps your mind by not only releasing endorphins but also giving you a feeling of self-worth and general acceptance.

I could also list all the health benefits to actually moving your body versus putting on a wrap, slamming down some pills and spending a fortune on a new wardrobe. That shit isn’t going to change you. And, that’s a whole other post!

You need to change the way you look at fitness. I want you to stop thinking of it as something that you “have” to do and think of it as something you “get” to do.

It’s time to look at your body as a miracle. Because it fucking is. It’s a miracle you’re here, in this body, at this time. You have waged war on it and you may feel like it has waged war on YOU…but sheesh…that body has carried your soul since before you were born.

Show a little respect. Honor it. Move it. Treasure it. Don’t pick it apart piece by piece. Move it as a whole and let it continue to take care of you.

Rant over.

Not sure where to start? TRY THIS – Choose Your Own Fitventure – my health and fitness challenge group – challenges that include things like “drink your damn water”, “practice gratitude”, “go for a walk”. It’s fun and easy and cheap and you can try it FOR FREE. So do it…just do it. Seriously.

How to Stay Calm & Help Your Child During Their Panic Attack

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Panic attacks are horrible. If you’ve ever experienced one, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t had one yourself, perhaps you’ve seen someone go through it. Or, perhaps you haven’t at all experienced a panic attack, in which case, consider yourself very lucky.

Panic attacks look different for everyone. Some people feel like they’re about to die. That is not an exaggeration. Their heart rate increases, breathing rate increases, they feel hot, nauseous. Often times, if they’ve never had an attack before, they’ll end up in the hospital. They honestly feel like they are about to take the Big Dirt Nap.

Other panic attacks present in anger, rage and physical outbursts. Others in crying, sobbing and “overly emotional” outbursts.

There is no one-size-fits-all for a panic attack, so if you feel like your child may be experiencing anxiety or panic, please reach out for help.

My son battles massive panic attacks. When he was officially diagnosed with panic disorder, I thought “No shit”. Counseling is helping and the “great” thing is that my son experiences panic attacks with the counselor and she has validated the extent of his attacks for me.

“Linds, his attacks are massive. These are not small on any scale, these are incredibly large”.

Why did that validate? Because there is no guide to panic. I felt like his attacks were huge and terrible and awful, but when a professional says that to you, you simply feel…validated. Like, yeah…okay…I thought so, but I don’t know what others go through, so I thought they were terrible and now it’s confirmed, they’re fucking awful.

And no, it doesn’t matter. My son’s attacks are his and comparison is useless. But validation, for me as a parent, was huge.

Why? Because during his attacks I feel useless, helpless and terrible. I often lose my temper and my patience and I get super frustrated. When I see one coming on, I feel the need to suit up in full armour and get ready to battle. Again. No exaggeration. I honestly feel the need to protect myself, mentally and emotionally, every time I see an attack coming on.

Knowing that these attacks are atypical and “extreme” somehow validates that this is HARD. Not only for him, but also for me as his Support Warrior. I’ve learned about what to do during a panic attack from my son, and I wanted to share my experiences with you.

This may or may not help you, but I can at least share what works for me and maybe, just maybe, you’ll find even a little tidbit to help you feel a little more supported in the lonely role this is Support Warrior.

The #1 thing I want you to remember is:

Your child is battling dragons during a panic attack and they have NO TIME to reason with you. I repeat, they have NO TIME to reason with you. No time to breathe and “calm down”. NO TIME to talk things out with you. No. Time.

THEY ARE BUSY BATTLING DRAGONS AND COULD DIE IF THEY DON’T FOCUS ON BATTLING DRAGONS.

via GIPHY

So…they make very little sense. THEY ARE BUSY.

Don’t tell them to breathe. Don’t tell them to calm down. Don’t tell them that they’re being ridiculous.

Be there. Tell them they’re safe. Tell them you’re with them. Tell them you love them.

Try super hard to not lose your shit because THEY WILL MAKE ZERO SENSE during a panic attack and often times that is 100% infuriating.

My son battles for hours. And in that time he makes no sense. His elbow pad will feel off and awaaaaaaay we go. Panic city. How can an elbow pad set off a panic attack? It can’t…it’s something tangible his worry can focus on and blame. But trying to reason that it’s the same elbow pad he’s put on for a year doesn’t help him.

Frustration WILL set in because panic can’t be explained or reasoned.

Here’s what you need to remember and here’s how to stay calm during your child’s panic attack:

#1 – As mentioned – remember that all reason is out the window. Think of their mind as having two zones – reason and panic. If panic is switched on, reason is eclipsed. If reason is switched on, panic – hovers (I wish it were eclipsed, but mental illness doesn’t work like that). But, if you can remember that when in a panic, your child is very busy battling…it helps. There is zero reasoning. I cannot stress this enough. Zero.

#2 – Remember that the words said aren’t personal. As hard as this may be, your child is going to say things you don’t want to hear. DO NOT OVERANALYZE what they say. Leave that to the counselors. Let the words float over you and do not grab hold of one sentence and cling to that with worry. It’s useless. Let the words float over you and leave them in the panic once it’s over.

#3 – Breathe. I know I told you to not tell your kids to breathe, but that’s because they’re in a panic. They physically cannot take time to breathe during an attack, they’re busy (remember – DRAGONS!!). But, you can breathe. And, if your child practices breathing exercises (NOT IN A PANIC) they will mirror your behavior and not even know it.

You know how you yawn when someone else yawns? Breathing is the same. So, if you start taking big deep breaths, eventually your child will mirror the breathing (if they’ve practiced) without even knowing it.

So breathe. For you. For them. Breathe.

#4 – Step away for a few minutes if you need to. If you feel like your patience is about to break, you need to step away. Even just a few feet if they won’t let you leave the room to gather yourself. Tell yourself your can do this. Breathe. Roll your shoulders. Have a wee cry. Then, stand tall, be brave and face the panic with a fresh outlook. It takes about 30 seconds, but it’s worth it. Meet panic with love. Meet panic with acceptance.

#5 – Try the strategies taught to you. Try them all. All the time. My son used to get so mad at me when I tried to distract him (one of the strategies taught to battle panic attacks). He’d say “MOM…I KNOW what you’re doing and stop it. It’s not working and I hate it. Just STOP IT!”. Smart little shit.

But, another time it would work. So, I always tried. Then I’d try the next. Then the next. Then the next. Sometime he’d get so mad at me, but at least it distracted him a bit from the panic. Not only do the strategies help your child, but it also helps calm you down. It gives you something to do.

Think about all the things you have in your toolbox. Use every tool. Mentally go through what else you can do. It’s a great way to distract yourself and focus on helping. It will make you feel better and calmer because at least you have some control about what you can do and say. Control helps. Trust me.

At the end of the day, the best thing you can do to remain calm during a panic attack is to remember: that’s not your kiddo, that’s the panic. Your job is to bring your kiddo back. Your job is love and support and let them know they’re safe and that you’re there.

You’re going to get frustrated. You’re going to get pissed. You’re going to want to reason. You’re going to HATE anxiety. And, that’s okay. Go on and hate it. But not during an attack. Your child is too busy battling dragons to also battle you. So breathe. Know that this panic won’t last forever and your child will come back to you. Support, love and support again.

BONUS TIP:

If you lose your temper – please don’t beat yourself up. If you snap or yell or throw your hands up in frustration – you’re not the first person in a support role to do so. It’s a tough, tough position. It’s exhausting and disheartening. So, if you lose it every now and then – hey – holy shit – you’re human. It’s okay. You’re a rockstar and your child’s safe place…an honor and a curse, I swear.

So lose you mind. Rage, get frustrated…then calm the heck down and get back to breathing and distracting and loving. It all helps. Be kind to yourself. This is tough stuff. But, you can do it. Trust me. I’ve done it so many times and every time I think “Shit…I really fucked that up”…but every time my son tells me how grateful he is for me. Every time we get through it. Every time it ends.

Be their safe place.

BONUS TIP #2:

My last piece of advice is this: If you have a child that has panic attacks and you are their safe place, you need to go to counseling yourself. You cannot handle all that happens during a panic attack on your own. You cannot listen to the words your child says without an outlet to talk to and some strategies to help you “let the words float by you”. You’re going to need help, strategies and support.

Just like your child needs you, you need someone to help you. You need to lean and learn how to process the attacks. So, please find help. I don’t say this lightly, I mean it with every cell in my body.

To sustain the strength required to help your child through a panic attack, you need professional help, counseling and your own strategies.

Good luck out there, Support Warriors. I’m with you. Day in and day out. We will breathe and not reason with our children during the attacks. And we will hug and love them up after they’re through it. And those hugs? They’re the best hugs ever. E.V.E.R.

Reason comes later…with counseling and help. Trust me. You’ll get there. I think.

The One Question That Made Me Stop & Exhale Gratitude

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I was scrolling through Facebook the other day and I read a post that a friend of mine had shared. The final sentence caught me off-guard because rarely do we ask ourselves the truly hard questions.

I read and re-read the last sentence in the post. I made myself a coffee and I went and sat in my backyard on the swing. I thought and I thought about the answer to the question asked and exhaled a breath of gratitude when my answer was “Yes.”

The question was simple but thought-provoking:

If you died today, would you be happy with how you lived?

– Sheri Bialecki

You see, the past few years have been extremely difficult. My child was suffering, my marriage was broken, my business was extremely stressful and I had become someone I didn’t recognize (or like). If that question was presented to me a year ago, my immediate answer would have been “NO”.

But today, after careful thought and consideration, my answer is “Heck YES!”.

I’ve made some huge and hard changes in my life. I stepped back from a business I created and loved with all my heart. I still love it and will always support it, but my path is a new one now.

My marriage is getting stronger every day and there is laughter back in our home.

My child is getting the help he needs.

But, the best part? The best part is that I can breathe again. I’m doing things that make me happy. I’m doing things that help people…maybe not on the empire-building scale I was previously working towards – but on a level that fills my heart and soul.

I have time to sit with my kids and laugh and play. I have remembered how to be silly and light. I get to say “fuck” and not be judged…and if I AM judged…I don’t give a fuck…you’re probably not my people, so move along.

I’m comfortable with who I am as a Mother.

  • My heart and soul.

I’m comfortable with who I am as a wife.

  • He does exist. Proof.

I’m comfortable with who I am as a professional.

  • Pretty much how I look doing fitness program design…every time.

I’m even comfortable with who I am as a friend and I cherish those near and dear to me.

  • Taking more time to be with my amazing friends.

I’m comfortable. And, although not every day is rainbows, hearts and glittery unicorns (if only!)…if I was to die tomorrow, I would be happy with how I lived my life.

Though, I would regret never getting to Africa. That’s still a big one to check off.

I’m on the other side of a few really shitty, shitty years. But, I’m stronger and smarter and more dedicated because of it. I know who my true friends are and I know I can count on them. I know I’m a good Mama doing the best I can.

I also know I’m a good person and although I may have made mistakes in the past, I’ve grown and learned and become the person I am today.

  • I’m the person that inspires hundreds (thousands?!) of people to love themselves.
  • I’m a safe place for my child who needs a whole lot of love.
  • I’m the place my husband comes for love and support and laughter when he struggles with his own “stuff”.
  • I’m silly and quirky and loud and shy.
  • I’m the person you can, 100%, turn to should you need a shoulder and/or a swift kick in the ass.
  • I’m the person you can go to for a laugh or to sit and feel supported.

I get to be a lot of things for a lot of people. And, I’m finally in a place where I can choose who to allow in and who to keep out. I’m at a place where I get to live my best days with joy, hard work and a ton of perseverance.

I’m at a place where if I were to die tomorrow, I’d smile down (or up?!) at all of you (even the assholes) and wish you well. Oh yes, my answer would have been so different a year ago. So, I exhale gratitude for the trials I’ve survived and the place I stand in this moment.

I truly am a lucky woman.

#PushingForAwareness – Update on Our Campaign to Raise Awareness for Childhood Mental Illness

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We’re over halfway through our campaign to raise awareness for childhood mental illness and we’re still pushing away. Today is Day 30 of 50 and we’ve completed 50 pushups every single day so far.

Here’s a little background on #PushingForAwareness:

My son battles severe panic disorder, generalized anxiety, social anxiety and depression. He’s 10 years old and he’s been battling for a good 4 years now. Over the past year (before psychiatric diagnosis), he had to battle harder than I’ve seen anyone battle for anything.

After being on multiple waitlists and months and months of asking “Can I get help today, Mom?”, he was finally seen by a psychiatrist and diagnosed with his mental illnesses. He was prescribed medication to help him battle and he’s been rockin’ his meds for six weeks now.

We have great days and we have terrible days, but at the end of each day, I know he’s getting better. Although the hard days are extremely exhausting and heart-crushing, the good days are more frequent and help to restore our energy and our broken hearts.

While we were trying to get my son help, I found a serious lack of resources. No, that’s untrue. There are loads of resources, but I had no idea where to look. I had no idea how to help my son and I truly didn’t want to simply take advice from Dr. Google. This was my son we were talking about, he deserved real medical help.

I also found that supporting my son through the dark, dark times was extremely lonely. I often felt judged, alone and terrified. I didn’t know where to turn to get support. I was unaware of the resources available to families fighting for a loved one with mental illness.

But, we fought daily and while we fought, I found my son wanted to talk about what was happening to him and learn as much as he could about his brain. I also discovered his desire to educate.

One of the cool things about my son is that he is very, very open about his mental illness. If you want to talk to him about it, all you have to do is ask. He also loves to educate people on it. His teammates, his coaches, our family, his friends, etc. He wants people to understand what mental illness can look like and wants people to not be scared of it. He wants people to talk about childhood mental illness.

So, we created #PushingForAwarness to not only raise funds for organizations dedicated to raising awareness for mental illness but more importantly, to ensure the conversations about childhood mental illness are happening. We committed to 50 pushups for 50 days to help raise funds to support organizations we love that help kids and their families battle mental illness.

The Update:

As of today, we’re on Day 30 of 50 and we’ve crushed 50 pushups for 30 days. The goal is to continue on for 20 more days. We have raised over $3000 so far, but we have a ways to go to meet our goal of $5000.

Day 7 – #PushingForAwareness

We’ve done pushups at baseball practice, in the early morning, late at night, and this weekend, with the Victoria HarbourCats.

We’ve also talked and talked and talked about childhood mental illness and I’ve gone Live on Facebook almost daily with current stats on people battling mental illness around the world and the lack of funding, support and knowledge.

I’ve been criticized for being so open about my son’s illness but I find that one of the most empowering pieces of feedback. I ask for my son’s approval for every piece I write and he approves all of it. If he terrifies others by being so open, then I think we’re doing something right. People are scared that he talks about this so openly.

Let them be terrified. We will continue to talk. And me…I will continue to be the most proud of all the Mama Bears out there.

I’m beyond proud of my son for the effort he puts in every day with this campaign. He’s inspired so many. And, he supports others raising awareness for mental illlness. This past weekend, we met up with an Oak Bay Councilor who rode a stationary bike to promote Ride, Don’t Hide. It was great for my son to see that others are also working hard to raise awareness and funds for mental illness.

He’s the reason elementary school kids started randomly doing pushups on the playground and having a conversation about childhood mental illness. He’s the reason I’m writing the scary truth about mental illness day after day after day. He’s the reason so many people have donated to our campaign, or become fundraisers themselves.

He’s the reason for all of this and is kicking some serious ass.

We have 20 days left. 20 days to raise another $2000. 20 days to do 1000 more pushups. 20 days to talk and talk and talk and talk about childhood mental illness.

But…if you think we’ll be quiet about it after the campaign is done…you’re wrong. We’ll continue to talk. I hope you will, too.

Where does the money raised from #PushingForAwareness go?

As we’ve gone through the campaign, we’ve found four organizations that support mental illness and feel are a good fit.

They are:

Buddy Check for Jesse
Head & Heart SK
Stigma-Free Society
FamilySmart

Once the campaign is finished, Owen will decide how much money will go to each organization and present his donations to each. I can’t wait for that.

There’s the update, my friends.

1500 pushups done. 30 days. $3320 raised.

All to support and initiate conversations about childhood mental illness.

If you’d like to donate, please CLICK HERE. We’d appreciate any and all donations. Any amount helps and we’d be incredibly grateful to you for your support.

And please…share this campaign on your social. Please help us keep the conversations going and the donations coming in.

Thank you for your support, your kinds words and all the love you’ve sent us along the way. My son continues to battle daily and I stand beside him, sword drawn, battling his demons for him on the days he can’t. I’m proud to do it. I’m honoured to do it. But, he’s the real hero. He overcomes daily. He fights harder and has more grit and determination than any adult I know. He’s the coolest 10-year-old out there…and he’s the reason this campaign is going so well.

Thank you. Truly. Thank you for all of your support. xo