I won’t ever forget the moment when I finally crumbled. I was sitting at this table:

and the question was “So Linds, how’s that all sound”?

I wanted to speak. I wanted to answer, but in my head, for the past 5 minutes I had been mumbling:

“Just keep it together, Lindsay. Keep. It. Together. You’re about to look like a total moron in front of these people. 

If they don’t look at you, you’ll be fine.

F**k. She looked at me. DAMMIT…AND she asked me a question? F************k”.

And, in response to her question…no words left my lips. All I could do was shake my head and feel the tears slide down my face.

It started in the pit of my stomach and spread to every cell of my body. It expanded outward and ended up pouring from my eyes for a solid two days. To some of you, this sounds awful…but to my people…to the people who “get it” you’ll understand that in order for me to grasp my own potential and see my own path, crumbling was not only imminent…it was required.

My experience of surrounding myself with crazy successful, super smart, ridiculously influential and understanding people left me exhausted, depleted, broken down and questioning the very being of who I am and what I want to be. If you think that’s a bad thing…you couldn’t be more wrong if you tried.

Without this “break down”, I wouldn’t have had to lay at the bottom of my life and look at things from a new angle. I wouldn’t have seen the path I now need to take because I was probably standing on the one piece I needed to start, not again, but differently. Without that one foundational piece, I couldn’t forge ahead because I had no idea this path even existed. 

The amazing thing about stripping yourself of all confidence is that if you surround yourself with people who “get you”, who “understand you” and who actually believe in you, the only thing you can do is question your worth, figure out what they see in you, buck up and…build again. With stronger material.

It was at a conference where I was surrounded by people who get millions of pageviews, who earn over 6 figures from blogging and who are so smart it makes me feel like my Ph.D. is worthless (I realize it’s not…so eeeeeeeasy, my protective lovelies) that I broke down, cried. It was also at this conference where I rediscovered my power. It was with these same people that I finally realized “well…what the f**k…wait a minute…I’m also super smart and fun and funny and love my people and…HOLY SHIT…I can also do what I love, make an impact and live my why”. 

And yes, while I’ve been working on my passion for years now, I still question my worth, my value, my ability to achieve. I love what I do with Hot Mama. I love that we make a difference, that we help people love themselves again, that we provide a safe place for family fitness…we change lives. But somewhere along the way, my confidence began to crumble. With each bit of blame placed on my shoulders, my confidence crumbled. With each failure I saw, my confidence crumbled. With every person who’s left me because they didn’t like a decision I made, my confidence crumbled. 

So, there I sat, surrounded by people who work like I do, who know their purpose and who are getting shit done and with 30 eyes on me…I quietly broke. And, while I quietly broke I immediately felt strong and loving arms around me and I felt the energy of these people, people I just met, surround my body and place me back on my feet. I will be forever grateful for the Surge Conference and the people who forced me to finally crumble. I will be grateful for the quiet talk on the beach right after about fighting for your “why”. I will be forever grateful for my roommate whose life is as nuts as mine. I hold close in my heart the stories told, the hurt shared and the love given effortlessly by these strangers who now buoyed me up. I am beyond grateful for the friendships I grew in Mexico because I know they will last my lifetime. 

And, I thank the universe and all its power for forcing me to break down around people who work like I do, who believe in their “why” the way I do and who’ve fought adversity and won. These people aren’t loved by everyone and they’re judged just as I am. And yet…they continue on their paths, fully believing in what they do. Just as I will also now continue on mine. Why? Because we’re driven. We have purpose. And we have people in our corner who get us. 

I hope one day I can help others break down to break through. It’s awful and beautiful and magical and hard. And, I couldn’t have asked for more incredible people to break down with. I’m here if you need me. ANY of you…because growth and seeing your potential is hard. But, with the right people, the right guidance and by surrounding yourself with people who not only “get you” but also ralley around you…well now…that’s f**king empowering. 

I got that. I did that. Watch out, party people…I’m about to break through. 

Photo cred: Boudoir by Chee

Dear Hot Mamas,

Many of you have been asking how Hot Mama did at the Small Business BC Awards. Erm, well…if we had won, it would be all over the place, but alas, it wasn’t to be this year. And you know what? That’s a-ok! So, why has it taken me so long to fill you in? 

Your OHM needed time to process. 

We lost.
Did I cry? Yup. I did.
Was I upset that we didn’t win? Nope. Not at all.
Did I feel like I let my team and this community down? Yup. I did.
Do I feel that way now looking back at this experience? No. I don’t.

And that’s why it has taken me a few days to process and fill you all in.

Now don’t go and get all crazy on me, I know I didn’t let you down. But, in the moment, seeing franchise owners fly out to be with me, spending hours getting ready, reading message after message of support…I felt bad not bringing this home to you. I felt bad that I couldn’t give you this award. 

You matter. Our community matters. Hot Mama matters. And I so badly wanted to honor you and all you do. You all go above and beyond when it comes to supporting this Hot Mama community, I truly wanted to win this award for you…to show you that what you do is acknowledged and appreciated. You give money, time, energy and love day in and day out. We fundraise, we love, we support and we empower. YOU have tremendous community impact and I really wanted to celebrate ALL of YOU with this award.

I wanted the media to recognize the work you do, not the work I do…I work behind the scenes…I really wanted attention brought to you and the impact you have on the women you sweat, laugh and burpee beside every week. What we do at Hot Mama isn’t just fitness. We provide a safe place for women to go to be authentically real, to meet other like-minded Mamas and to empower and motivate other women to become a better and healthier version of themselves.

I love that not only do we provide a platform to get healthy, but we genuinely care about one another. Someone gets sick? We stock the freezer with food. Someone gets injured? We help with the kids and housework. Tragedy strikes. We ban together and raise money to help. That’s you, Hot Mamas…that’s all YOU. YOU creating this movement of love and support. YOU creating a place where women can go to cry, celebrate, laugh and/or scream. 

So, I felt bad when I didn’t get to bring the award to you and shower you with love and adoration. Because I do…I love and adore each and every one of you. 

Now, don’t get me wrong. We had an INCREDIBLE time at the gala. It’s sooooooo nice to get fancied up…hair and makeup done…beautiful dresses on. Wine flowing. Music pumping. So. Much. Fun. And jeez…I couldn’t have asked for a better entourage. I had some of my best friends beside me, a few franchise owners who I love and respect, their husbands (because, yes, we have their support too) and an evening filled with joy, love, dancing, a lot of vodka and fun.

But, when we didn’t win? I felt awful. Not because we didn’t win the award, but because I felt I let you down. I’m not sure how many times I said “I’m sorry” throughout the evening…and as the vodka flowed, it happened even more. But…after taking a few days to reflect…I’m still sorry…but I can use this platform here to shower you with my love and adoration.

Hot Mama would be NOTHING without all of you. Nothing. From my franchise owners who believe in our mission so completely they’ve changed their lives paths to help me build community through family fitness. To our incredible Hot Mama clients who are the most loyal women and support their Main Mamas by getting to class and participating, laughing and cheering on one another. To the Minis who love and adore all we do and are learning healthy living from Day 1.

It’s a humbling experience to reflect on defeat and realize that there’s no way we actually lose if we stick to our message. If I continue to find women who love and support and believe in our mission, if I continue to fight for health and wellness on the proper safe and effective platform I’ve been yelling from for years and if I dig in and fight for our kids to get active…I can’t lose.

But I can only win if you’re with me. Beside me. Walking tall and loving what we do. I’ll forge ahead and we’ll make a difference. I know our community impact is extensive. I just needed a few days to wrap my head around it all.

So Hot Mamas, if I had an award I would have handed it over to all of you. But, I don’t. All I have is this incredible feeling of gratitude and support for all we stand for. 

I cannot thank you enough…so for now, I hope these words land in your heart and fill you with love. I will fight for this company and all we stand for until I feel we’ve made the impact we need to make. Day in and day out, I’m here for you. And I absolutely know you’re here for me. 

With love, respect and gratitude,
Your OHM