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Team Mean Mom: Rules & Boundaries Required. Wanna join?

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I’m “so mean, Mom“.

I’m “the worst Mom EVER“.

I’m “so ridiculous, Mom“.

I’m “such a Mean Mom“!

I’m “omg…ugh…whatever, Mom *stomp, stomp, stomp, slam*”.

#TeamMeanMom

And ya know what? I’m proud to be part of Team Mean Mom. I stand tall and wave the Team Mean Mom banner. I wear the colors (really, ir’s just grey sweats with coffee and wine stains, but who are you to judge? I see that booger swiped on your shoulder and I salute you).

What does it mean to be a member of Team Mean Mom?

It means you set boundaries. It means you say “no” to your kids when your kids should be told “no”. It means you cancel plans that your kids were looking forward to because their behavior is/was atrocious and you need them to understand there are consequences to their shitty actions.

Team Mean Mom is a group of Moms (really, it’s just me, but I feel better thinking there’s a team of us out there) who refuse to raise little assholes who have zero respect for…well…respect.

To become a member of Team Mean Mom, you will be hazed. Not be me, I’m not mean to other women, mostly I’m just “mean” to my kids. No, I won’t haze you…but your kids will. 100%. Guaranteed hazing.

I’m part of Team Mean Mom because I enforce rules, and I demand respect. Not only respect for me, but for themselves, for others, for space, for time (mine and others’), for the multitude of things that bring them joy.

Don’t even get me started on all the other “things” that are similar to respect but show up in a list of “isn’t this just good behaviour and isn’t it a given that you should life your life like this”?! Such as:

  • Taking care of their shit.
  • Taking care of one another.
  • Not being little a-holes.
  • Being on time.
  • Being kind to themselves and their friends.
  • Doing their homework.
  • Cleaning their rooms (ties nicely into respecting the stuff we work hard to provide them with).
  • Showing gratitude.
  • Doing chores without complaint.
  • Being proactive and asking how they can help
  • …and many more things we are trying to teach our children.

And hey, listen, I KNOW they’re kids and that they’re learning and testing boundaries. I, 100%, know that. But how the heck are they going to learn those boundaries if we don’t hold them accountable for asshole-like behavioiurs, or even, just general poor decisions or poor time management?

I’m certainly held accountable by them, so why shouldn’t they be held accountable to me?

So, I’m a Mean Mom. I say “no”. I call them out when their behaviour is poor. I let them know if they’ve hurt my feelings. I let them know when they’re total shitheads…but I also tell them why.

I don’t just randomly take things away. I explain to them why they’re losing a privilege. I explain why their behaviour was not okay. I explain why I’m losing my ever-loving mind and that I love them, but they overstepped their awesomeness for the day and I need to reign them in.

It is not often well-received. I’m often eye-rolled and stomped away from. But then, after some time, I’m apologized to and my kids often acknolwedge with their own words what happened and why they will try not to do _______________ (insert shitty behaviour here) again.

And hey…I KNOW they’re going to do it again. That’s okay. They’re learning. I will continue to remind them. I will continue to work with them. I will continue to say “no”, take things away and help my kids grow to be kind, smart, compassionate, driven and amazing children. And I gotta say, it’s mostly because I’m a Mean Mom.

#TeamMeanMom

I’m a part of Team Mean Mom and I hope you’re beside me. Because when I see another “Mean Mom” on the street, in the aisle of the grocery store, at the park, at a sporting event, in a restaurant…you can bet your sweet ass I’m going up to her, giving her a hug and hip bump to let her know that we are stronger as a team.

We may be part of Team Mean Mom, but we’re certainly doing it for all the right reasons.

Stay strong, Mean Moms. I got your back.

Four Words I Taught My Son to Live By That You May Not Approve Of

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I write about my son quite a bit. We both like to educate people on how to help kids with anxiety and he’s always approved of the things I write about him. If you’ve read any of my blogs, you’ll know that he’s a super sweet, kind, funny kid who battles anxiety on a daily basis. You’ll also know that he’s not ashamed of it and advocates for himself and for others. You’ll know he’s pretty freaking awesome and that the bond between him and I is solid and strong.

What you might not know is that he is the #1 button-pusher of all button-pushers.

He’s the kid that will play the “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you” game with his sister in the backseat. He’ll make noises incessantly just to annoy the s**t out of me and push me ever-so-slowly over the edge. You can see the wheels turning in his head with thoughts of “If I do or say this…I’m going to get a reaction”…and he’ll typically choose to do or say just to annoy the person he’s interacting with. 

It’s irritating and some days when I’ve given him my all and he decides that now is a good time to push my buttons, I want to take him to the curb, place him in the garbage can and walk away. Judge away. It’s going to get worse in a second…

The other day he and his sister were playing and although, in general, they get along, they also bicker and fight. Totally normal. But, my son likes to take things to the next level. Sometimes he does things to be funny, but it’s not funny, it’s hurtful and he knows it’s going to be hurtful, but he chooses to do it anyway. He chooses to be a jerk. It ends in hurt feelings, me yelling and my son….smirking. 

Anyways, my son and my daughter were playing and I could see things escalating. I could see his little button-pusher wheels start turning and I said:

“STOP! Just stop. Owen – I’m going to teach you four words I want you to run through your head any time you think you should do something, but you have a feeling like maybe you shouldn’t. I want you to run these four words through your mind ANY time you question your next move. I want you to live by these four words forever. Use them every day and make decisions based on them.”

He stopped. He looked at me and said “Okay…what are they?”

“Don’t. Be. A. Dick.”, I said.

“MOM! What?!”

“Yup. Seriously. Don’t be a dick.”.

And listen, it works.

Should I say these words and push this button?
Don’t be a dick.
Then decide.

Should I take this action that could cause harm?
Don’t be a dick.
Then decide.

Should I take advantage of this situation?
Don’t be a dick.
Then decide. 

At this point, he started giggling and said “Mooooooom”. To which I responded “I’m dead serious. Those 4 words should be your mantra and you need to start using them and live by them”. At this point, he walked away shaking his head, giggling. 

Two hours later I said “O – what’s your mantra?”.

“Don’t be a dick”. So…I know he heard me. I know he’s taken the lesson. I told my friends about it and they ask him and he can say his mantra quickly now.

Are you judging me yet? Probably. And, that’s okay. I’d probably judge me, too. But, for my son, cute and softer words don’t work. He needs an edge to his lessons and I’m happy to provide them. “Don’t be a jerk” wouldn’t have worked. It’s too soft. “Don’t be an asshole” was too much and I typically don’t advocate swearing (although for some, the word I chose is vulgar and offensive). So, I landed where I landed, which made him giggle…but also think. 

I taught my son his mantra a few weeks ago and although we joke about it a bit, the other day he told me he actually used it. He said he was doing something that he knew would annoy his friend so “I ran my mantra through my head and decided to not do it”. 

Well then. Okay. Success?

It’s weird and a bit of a vulgar mantra, but apparently it works. At least it works for my kid. Judge away if you want to, but for my kid, if he can run those 4 works through his mind before he decides to do something, he may save himself a lot of hurt and frustration in this life of his. As he gets older, we’ll expand on it, but for now…this works. 

I kinda wish everyone would live by this mantra. I feel strongly that if everyone just checked in with themselves before they do/speak/post/take action as to whether or not they’re making a dick-move, the world could be a better place. I’ve even caught myself a few times wanting to respond to a comment, email or message and have run those words through my mind and decided to respond in a different way. 

It’s actually quite liberating. 

All this to say…I’m parenting the way I parent and doing the best I can. The lessons I teach my children may be different than yours but hey…don’t be a dick. Let me parent how I choose to. I swear I’m doing a good job and I’m raising some pretty cool and kind kids, even if their messaging is different than yours. 

Two Questions to Ask Yourself When Baited Into Negativity

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We all have that one friend who is constantly pissed off, angry, mad about something, right? You know, the one that pulls you into conversations about everything that is going wrong in her life and creates a whoa-is-me framework for her days/weeks/months/years.

OR…we’re all part of that online Mom Group that we watch and read posts because you just never know what question will insight a backlash of bitchery and harsh judgment.

OR…we all engage in conversations that we know we shouldn’t be having but it just feels so good to vent and bitch and moan and commiserate. 

I get it. I truly do. But sheesh, it all seems to be getting a little out of hand.

I was online yesterday and I couldn’t go into a group without seeing someone bully someone else about their kids, or see posts about how hard life is or complain about how this went wrong and so-and-so did me wrong…with zero resolutions or ideas on how to make it better. 

And trust me when I tell you that I absolutely understand the allure of participating in the negative, especially if you have a strong opinion. 

But, it just gets to be a bit much. When do we pause and think “whoa…easy tiger…take a breath and really reflect on what you’re saying”. 

I guess I’m simply tired of the negativity I read about, hear about and have land on my shoulders, in my ears and through my eyeballs every single day. I understand that as a leader it is my JOB to continue to forge ahead in the midst of negativity and be a strong role model for positivity and badassery. I can handle that. I truly can. But some days…some…days.

Some days, my lovelies, some days it’s so hard when all you hear is negative, all you read is negative and all you defend is negativity. It makes you feel like this…

It’s hard when you’re inundated with post after post or conversation after conversation on all things negative. The constant thread of negative judgery (it’s a word, beat it) is really freakin’ hard to take. Even if it’s not directed at you. I find even reading posts where there are 252 comments so hard.

And yes, I know I don’t have to read it all, but there’s something addicting to those threads, isn’t there? It’s hard to turn it off. I realize it’s a choice to read those posts and the comments, I get it. I don’t read them any longer…go me! 

And listen, I’m not judging you. I truly am not. I’ve engaged in my fair share of gossiping and negative talk. But lately, I’ve decided I don’t need that in my life. I don’t want that in my life. So, I’ve begun to ask myself two questions when I read something negative or if hear about conversations I could engage in.

Question #1: By engaging, am I helping or hindering to find a way to fix the issue or am I just adding fuel to the fire?

Question #2: Would I engage and say the same words if the person I’m talking about was standing behind me unannounced? 

By asking myself these two questions (which happened a lot the first few days I tried this out), I paused and most definitely decided to hold my tongue and/or choose different words that elicited a different response. Instead of adding fuel to a debate, I have been able to guide conversations away from blame and towards a solution. And that feels DAMN good.

I’ve also removed myself from groups that are riddled with negativity. I have my own stuff going on, why the heck do I need to read about other peoples’ online lives? WHY? To make myself feel better that “at least I’m not living that life”? Yikes. Talk about a bitch move. So, I’ve left numerous groups and have decided to surround myself with positivity.

Oh sure, sure, I still have a tendency to want to get my claws into a good ‘ol whine-fest (not to be confused with wine-fest because I am 100% still in for that!), but by asking myself the above two questions I’ve been able to really reframe my thoughts and, ultimately, my day. I’ve taken much of the negativity away from my day and let me tell you…TRUE BLISS!

I reframe everything now based on these questions. If someone is upset, I don’t get baited into the he-said/she-said conversations any longer. I simply focus on HOW I can help move the conversation from emotional unloading to pro-active steps. 

And, honestly…the best thing I did was remove myself from places that held too much negativity for me. If all you see is post after post of negative…GET OUT. You have enough going on in your life, you do NOT need to engage in issues that are not yours. Focus on. Be kind to you. 

And, although there are days that are still hard and some days it seems like all there is is negativity getting thrown my way, I refuse to back down from looking for solutions and finding positivity. RE-FUSE. Some days it’s exhausting and other days I find women just like me trying to do the same thing (hello franchise owners) and float positivity out there like their lives depend on it. 

Cuz they do. Your happy life depends on your slaying negativity, finding solutions and bringing joy and happiness to your world. That’s on you, my friend. 

So, before you engage in negative conversations, whether verbally or written, ask yourself if your words are helping or hindering the situation. Then, before you speak about someone, make sure you’re confident that you’d respond the same way if who you’re talking about is standing behind you.

It’s that simple. I promise. You can stop the negativity. Maybe not all the time and although it’d be awesome for everyone to jump on the positivity train, that’s just not going to happen. So, you gotta take care of you. You gotta surround yourself and your thoughts with the good. You gotta find solutions to make you happy and cause no harm to others.

That’s the goal. Be a good person. Don’t be a gossipy bully.

The Power of Incredible Coaching on Childhood Anxiety

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As many of you know my son suffers from some pretty severe anxiety. He was diagnosed in grade two and his Dad and I have worked hard with him to help him cope and manage situations where he feels nervous or anxious. He doesn’t like breathing exercises, so we’ve had to rely on numerous other tools available. But, I think anxiety will be an ever-changing and growing beast we will need to control in continuously new ways as he grows. 

But, sometimes all the tools in the world don’t work and I see his face change, I see his chest begin to rise and fall faster and I see “the look” on his sweet face. In that moment, I know there’s nothing much I can do but let him know “I’m here” and he’s not alone. I hope it’s enough.

But this isn’t about the tools we use, this post is about the power of sport and coaching on kids with anxiety (or even on kids without anxiety).

What I’ve realized this year with my child in both hockey and baseball, is that in sport, I’m not alone in my battle against my son’s anxiety. In sport, I have coaches and this past year I have been honoured and blessed with incredible coaches who understand my child. Or, even if they don’t understand…they try, they’re compassionate and they’re everything I could ever ask them to be for my son.

A little background:

My son decided to play baseball this year. He’s 9 and this is his first year playing. So, I knew going into this we were looking at some anxiety episodes, 100%. I wasn’t wrong. His first introduction to his team had him sobbing, hyperventilating and unable to speak to his team. And that was just picture day. Luckily, one of our coaches who knew him came over, put a hand on his little shoulders and just talked to him. Although he had a minor panic attack that night, it would have gotten to be a full-blown attack without that time with one of his coaches. Win #1. 

But recently, the power coaches have on our children became even more apparent. His baseball coaches “saved” baseball for my child. 100%. My child will play again because of his coaches this year.

How a Good Coach Can Save the Day:

My son had an awful game last week. Awful. He got hit by a pitch…twice. He was then playing left field when a pop fly headed in his direction, another kid called it so he backed off. The kid missed the catch. No big deal. But, the next time I see my big guy go up to bat, his face has changed. It’s his “anxiety face”. I immediately think “Oh f**k”. Something happened. He strikes out. Anxiety face is now deeper.

I go talk to him. He says it’s nothing. So, what can you do? I say “O, I’m here if you need me.”. Then he tells me a kid said something to him on the bench about how he messed up. Many kids can shrug that stuff off, but for a kid with anxiety, words cut deeper and he owns them…for days. But, I get him back onto the field.

Pop fly. 

F**k.

It drops beside him. He pulls his baseball hat far down on his face, puts his hands on his knees and I see his little shoulders start to shake. 

Let’s go, O. You got this. 

Next time they’re out in the field. O is back in left field.

Pop fly.

F**k.

It drops beside him. 

He’s fought this attack for a while now. But that…was his breaking point. But, kudos to my kiddo. Although he was crying, although he had anxiety all over his face…he managed. He finished the game and it wasn’t until we were halfway to the car after the game that he really let loose. 

Sometimes his body just takes over. He dropped his glove and bag and just stood there with tears running down his face. I managed to get him to the car where he finally released the energy he needed to release. He cried, and cried, and cried. He couldn’t speak. It’s the silence that really breaks a Mama’s heart. 

So, I start talking. “It was just a bad game”. “O, man…that was a suuuuuper shitty game”. “Terrible”. “We have to learn that you’re going to have both good games and bad games”. “We have to learn from this”. Blah, blah, blah.

All while the tears still stream.

“I’m done with baseball”. “I won’t go back”.

Those were the words he finally managed to get out after a few hours before I tucked him into bed. 

“That’s not how we do things, O, but for tonight…okay”. 

But here, my lovelies, is where the power of coaching comes in. The beautiful, amazing, brilliance of incredible coaches. The IMPORTANCE of coaches….who VOLUNTEER to HELP YOUR KIDS. 

The next morning I see an email from O’s coach with my son’s name in the subject line. Now, I have to say, even I was anxious opening the email because I was hoping it wasn’t a “suck it up” email.

As I started to read the words the coach wrote my own tears began to fall. The email was written to my son and it was sentence after sentence and paragraph after paragraph talking about improvement, growth and being the kind of kid that all coaches want on a team. It was about acknowledging a bad game and addressing the fact that that’s sport. It was saying “I’d draft you to my team again and again because of the kind, hard-working and coachable kid you are”. 

As I read the email to O, I could barely get through the message without tears again (but er…I’m emotional and kinda cry a lot when something impacts me). When I looked up after I finished reading his coach’s words I saw the best reaction ever. My son was beaming. BEAMING. He was proud.

(This is how his coach always talks to his players and how
I imagine he’d be talking to O as I read this email to my son.) 

His coach had just saved baseball for him.

His coach. A volunteer. He took time out of his own life, from his own family to help my child. He wrote words that my son will take with him his whole life. Of this, I am sure. He said things that could only come from a coach because the same words from his Mama wouldn’t have the power.

Moving forward:

After your child has a really bad game, followed by some pretty serious anxiety, taking him to the next game is a must. It’s not easy, but it’s a MUST. But, it wasn’t hard this time. He had confidence on his side because his coaches believed in him.

O has three coaches in baseball and each one has given him a gift that has led him to believe in himself again. They make him laugh, they coach him and give him jobs…all very effective ways of dealing with kids with lack of confidence and anxiety.

After that dreaded bad game, the coaches knew how to build him back up. But, not only did they know, they followed through and went the extra mile. The effort, time and words the coaches have taken with him to build him back up have been wonderful. It’s the little things: kind words, high fives, kneeling down and talking to him, acknowledging his strengths and also reinforcing the fact that sport is sport and you’re going to have good and bad days.

His coaches continue to teach him. They continue to push him. They continue to respect his needs and who he is. And as his Mama, the gift of incredible coaches to my child will be one of my most treasured gifts that he will receive. 

Coaches – through the grief and bitching I’m sure you get from some parents, through the time it takes to plan practices and get to every practice and game, through the demands we, as parents, put on you…please know there are people out there who are beyond grateful for all you do.

You changed my son. You gave him confidence in a way that I couldn’t. You reached out and made  him a better little man. You taught him. Honoured him. Respected him. 

I cannot ever, ever, repay you. 

If you ever doubt the power of your coaching, please know that you saved sport for my child. You saved baseball and he was so excited to go play his next game where he scored the winning run. And THAT…is everything to a Mama who works hard to build up her child while, at the same time, much of the world works to pull him down.

It’s comforting to know there are coaches out there on the same mission of raising incredible sportsmen. He may never play in the big leagues, but I absolutely know baseball will be a part of his life in a positive light…forever. 

Mad respect and gratitude to all coaches out there. From all the Mamas in all the land…thank you.

Oh…FYI…congrats to Triangle Baseball for your incredible coaches. What an amazing organization, I am proud to be a part of it. 

 

Don’t Grieve Growth, It’s Actually Pretty Amazing

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Parenting. Sheesh.

It’s either moving too fast or too slow, isn’t it?!

You think the stage of parenting you’re in is going to be either the best stage EVER or you simply can’t “wait to get through it”. Teething, sleep training, the terrible two’s…so hard and seemingly never-ending. But, it does end, eventually. Some people love each moment and claim that “this age is the absolute best age”. Speaking as a Mom of a 7 and 9-year old, I’ve got to say, I’ve also made those claims. And, while my kids are still young kids, they just keep getting cooler! 

I loved when my kids were babies. I loved the snuggles and the cuddles and the newness of smiles, laughter and them discovering life outside their bodies. I could have done without the teething phase or the phase where we were both frustrated because I didn’t understand him and the language he used. So. Frustrating.

I also realize that I think, maybe, just maybe, I’m in the gravy stage of parenting…

My kids are still young enough to love me and think that I can fix anything. They still dance with me and think I’m beautiful and cool. I’m lucky enough to be their safe place after a hard day (I hope this will always be the case). I also know this stage will end. I’m dreading the days when they won’t talk to me, when they think I’m super lame and when, to be honest, they “hate” me as only teens can. I realize these days will come, but I also have to imagine, there are going to be some pretty cool moments as they grow when I’ll step outside myself and think “Yeah, those are some pretty amazing kids”. 

I was talking to some Moms the other day who were saying they wish they could hit the “pause” button. I remember feeling that, but looking back, I’m so glad there isn’t one. I’ve loved each stage of my kiddos’ growth. But honestly, the one we’re in right now has to be one of the coolest stages yet.

They’re smart and funny and kind. They’re ridiculous, they drive me crazy and they absolutely push my buttons. But, the conversations we have now?! Amazing. The way they make the every day more interesting is a true gift. Even when they have harder times when friends aren’t being friendly and feelings are hurt, it’s all growth, isn’t it? It’s a moment when we can step in and teach or step aside and let them figure it out on their own. 

There are moments of real heartbreak when you see your daughter’s hurt feelings after a difficult “friend day” at school and there are moments of wonder when she works through them on her own because that’s what kids need to do sometimes. These are incredible moments you don’t get to have until your kids are in this stage.

 

I have conversations with my son that I couldn’t have imagined having. About a month ago I said something so blatantly obvious, he looked me and said, “Yeah, no shit, Mom”…you kinda gotta be proud at that moment because his humor is amazing and he effectively spoke like an adult for the first time. Growth. He’s finding his way, his humor and his voice. That is really freaking incredible. 

Growth is daunting. Growth is hard. Watching your children struggle is one of the most difficult things you’ll ever watch. But, to see them work through it and come out on the other side, as loving, kind, funny individuals…yeah…that’s worth the growth. It’s worth the worry and the sleepless nights. It’s worth everything when you see your children grow into the next stage of their lives. 

So Mamas, don’t be afraid of growth. You can mourn the loss of what was, but embrace change and accept your children’s growth as a kudos to yourself and to the way you parent. They wouldn’t be who they are without you. Don’t fret too much. Don’t overanalyze everything that happens to them in their day. Love them. Teach them. Coach them. Respect them. Then step aside and watch them grow.

Don’t press pause…the best days are yet to come.