I Remember When

I remember when I found out I was pregnant with you and I remember exactly how I felt to know I’d get to be a Mom. I felt excited, relieved and proud.

I remember when you were born. I remember peace, joy and pain.

I remember seeing your dimple for the first time and thinking you were the cutest, sweetest little thing – alien-like and all – that I’d ever seen.

I remember when you had months of cholic and I remember feeling helpless, exhausted and defeated.

I remember when you said “Mama” for the first time. That was pure love, pride and awe.

I remember when you became a brother and met your sister for the first time and I remember seeing your gentle soul instantly love and cherish the role of “big brother”.

I remember when you started preschool for the first time and hated it, so I remember pulling you out knowing you weren’t ready…WE weren’t ready.

I remember when you had your first day of kindergarten and I remember the MOMENT you let go of my hand and toddled away with your teacher and class, Cars backpack and all. That moment was simply bittersweet.

I remember when you believed in Santa, the Easter bunny and the magic surrounding it all. I also remember when the magic changed and I remember feeling sad to watch that magic go.

I remember all the days, the crafts, the sports, the concerts, the growth, the friends, the foes, the learning you did in elementary school.

I remember when we used to laugh at how dramatic I’d be when we imagined you starting high school. I would pretend to sob and throw my arms in the air and cry “My baby! My baby! He caaaaaan’t be going to high school!”. And, you’d laugh and giggle and call me “so silly”.

I remember when you used to answer “It’s a beautiful day, Mom” when I asked you what kind of day it was.

I remember when you struggled. I remember when you panicked. I remember when we didn’t understand all you were and all you are. I remember feeling hopeless in moments and constantly in awe of your strength.

I remember when we became a team that no one could beat. No one.

I remember when you continuously showed me the strength you have within yourself to get on the ice after battling and battling. I would sit in the bleachers, depleted. And I remember you – out there shimmy-shaking, smiling and letting me know you were okay.

I remember when I realized how much stronger you are than I am. And yes, yes you are.

I remember when you started middle school and I remember feeling proud of you but also terrified for you because, well, middle school is weird.

I remember when you started talking about friends I didn’t know and feeling excited for you, if not just a little left out of your life.

I remember when you stopped calling them “playdates” and started calling them “hangs”.

I remember when you stopped calling me Mommy and you called me Mother for the first and last time. Mom or Mama will do, son, I ain’t no one’s Mother.

I remember when you dyed your hair and didn’t care what others thought. I remember feeling proud of you once again.

I remember when you taught me to be open about talking about autism, mental illness and all the things people usually shy away from. I remember the moment of acceptance and releasing any stigma I had because YOU ARE THE COOLEST and why shouldn’t we talk about anything and everything?

I remember when you made me laugh with your sarcasm for the first time and I remember realizing just how very funny you are.

I remember when you hugged me and had to bend over to do so for the first time.

I remember the laughs, the tears, the frustrations, the joy, the wonder of these first years of your incredible life.

I remember feeling like I was the luckiest person in the world because you chose me to be your Mama.

I remember when it was your last day of middle school because that day is today and although yes, I want to throw my hands up in the air and hold you tight, I also cannot wait to watch you create more memories. I cannot wait to watch you become the person you’re meant to be.

I remember when I thought the days were so long and that high school was so far away. But the years are short, your life continues to march on and aren’t we unbelievably lucky for that?

I remember thinking “I wonder who he’ll be” when you were born and in this moment, I could have never ever EVER have imagined the memories you’ve imprinted in my mind and the complete and total love and respect I have for you and the person you are.

I remember when I celebrated you and your life and all you are – I remember when because that moment is exactly right now.

I love you to the moon, around the stars and back to your heart – and yes, I remember when we first started saying that to one another; you were two and I remember hoping we’d say that to one another forever. And we do.

I remember when…

All my love,
The luckiest Mom alive